Leo J. Martin, 1997
Stone-E-Lea, 2001
The Incident on 15
What's Mr. Fuji doing here?
Wait, its... that's Kane's music!
Oh the ref wouldn't have let that happen if he was conscious
Its like World War III in here! Listen to the crowd, its payback!
The ref doesn't see it. Its a foreign object!
Final Thoughts

Leo J. Martin, 1997
I played with a married couple, and the husband revealed to me his competitive nature by the 4th hole. To explain the background, I wear a wedding ring that has three interlocked bands, called a "rolling ring", but I cannot play golf or lift weights with the ring on, so I took the ring off before the round. We walked up to the 4th green after I hit a particularly good 3-Wood shot to the green and the man (who looked and spoke an awful lot like James Gandolfini aka. Tony Soprano) was very impressed, so much so that it made me look at him funny. It was almost like he didn't expect that kind of shotmaking or power out of me (I reached the par 5 in 2 shots). We were making small talk on the green and I mentioned Chrissi, who I referred to as my wife, and Soprano says, "Oh, you are married?" And I said that I was, and he replied, "Wow, I thought you were... you know... gay."

At this point, his wife turns red, and starts chuckling. I asked him what made him think that I was gay, and he said that it was because I was well dressed, not wearing a ring, courteous and feminine. At this point, I said, "So you sized me up over three holes, and made your judgement based on polite conversation with mixed company, eh? Should I have talked about women more or something?"

Then his wife laughs even harder and interjects, "Don't worry about it Brian, he thinks you are a better golfer than he is and he is just trying to get in your head."

I said, "What do you mean? We're not competing or anything."

And she said, "My husband competes with everyone."

So I turned and faced him and said, "If you want to win, win with my knowledge, don't turn around after the round and tell me you won."

Well, I guess from this point on, we were competing. I beat him by about 15 strokes straight up. At the end of the round, he tried to get what my handicap was, so he could do the math and see if he won based on adjusted strokes. I told him that I forgot what my handicap was. His wife got another good chuckle as they walked away, knowing that he was going to stew on this for the entire ride home.

Ah, Muni Golf! You can't beat the price, you can't leave the course in worse condition than you found it, and you can't meet a more strange cast of misfits in the entire world, which brings me to my latest adventure.

Stone-E-Lea, 2001
So I get to the course. This one requires no reservation, instead you drop a ball in the little machine and wait until it reaches the bottom, and that is the order in which you tee off. There were no balls in the machine, but there was a Korean couple on the 1st tee. I asked the starter how it looked and he said that he'd rather not pair me up with them because they couldn't speak English. I waited as they tee'd it up, waited for them to get themselves together and get into the cart, waited for them to try and find the ball. They disappeared for a long long time, and the starter got angry, so he went to assist. At this point, I asked him if the back nine was open, and he said, "Go right ahead."

I tee'd off on 10, and played 11 too before there was a log jam. 10 was wide open still, so I played 10 and 11 again, hoping to get some distance between myself and the twosome in front of me. It worked and I had the course to myself. The second time through on 11, my tee shot went left into the 10th fairway, and a twosome was driving down the fairway. Embarrassed, I exchange pleasantries with them and hit the ball back to my fairway and played out the hole.

The Incident on 15
#15 is a long par 3 over water. Very hard to play this hole. The further right you hit the ball, the more the water comes into play, so a lot of players hit 3 woods on this hole. I finished up with a bogey and waited on the 16th tee. The twosome had come up to the tee on 15 and I was teeing it up on 16. I waited for a while until the fairway was clear, and suddenly a ball whizzed past my head about 3 inches from my right ear and landed behind me where it plugged. Now, anyone who has been hit with a ball can tell you that it is not pleasant and can be downright dangerous, but I heard no warning whatsoever. I ran back to the green of 15 and yelled "FORE!", and then went back to the tee box.

A few minutes went by and the twosome drove up to the green, completely ignoring me. So I shouted over to them, "Hey, your tee shot missed me by three inches." They looked at each other and then the larger man (looking like an ex football player), shouted back, "Sorry, I didn't see you, but you don't have to be a smart ass about it."

I was stunned and said, "Did you just call me a smartass?" and they said nothing, so I turned around and walked over to my tee and yelled, "Assholes!" Then I proceeded to hit my drive down the fairway. I turned up the fairway and walked backwards, facing them the entire time I went to my ball, and they just stared back at me.

What's Mr. Fuji doing here?
I caught up with the twosome in front of me, feeling a little outnumbered and outsized (wishing Nelly, Pat, Joe, Lee, Erm or Dave were there with me). I told them about the incident and they were shocked. On 18, I was teeing it up and the Munis as I will call them from now on, were driving up the fairway, and as I swung, they put their brakes on, making a screeching noise. It didn't matter, I hit my shot anyway. As Muni 2 went to hit his approach shot, one of our guys hit a really funny but bad shot, and I used the opportunity to laugh really loudly, which seemed to have disrupted Muni 2's concentration. He skulled the ball over the green and into the woods.

Wait, its... that's Kane's music!
I finished the 9, and went back to the first hole. By this time, there were a lot of people waiting and the starter told me that I had to put my ball back in the sorter. As I waited I relayed the occurrence to a few people standing around, and they were all griping about lack of etiquette. The starter overheard and said that he was going to have a talk with them. By the way, what is is about old men that makes them think that they have certain authorities? Its not like they ever do anything about remedying a situation, but they think that they can change the world. This guy was 75 years old and not going to do anything but exacerbate the situation. He came back, and the twosome followed him. As he was telling me that he spoke to them (and that they were regulars), one of the guys came up behind him and stared at me. I said, "You don't have to talk about him, he's right here." So this guy says to me, "I didn't see you on the green, otherwise I would have yelled."

I said, "I wasn't on the green, I was on the tee box, thirty yards to the right of the green... and so was your shot."

I got nothing out of him, no apology, no remorse for almost hitting me with a 210 yard shot on the fly... nothing. And believe me, I don't get angry very often or for very long. These guys had opportunities to make things right. They could have apologized for starters at any point but they didn't, they could have shown etiquette later, but they didn't, and they could have gotten me a beer when they went in and got their own, but they didn't. Anything would have suffice, but I ended up teeing off the front nine feeling like I wanted to aim at them...

Oh the ref wouldn't have let that happen if he was conscious
One other great thing about Muni golf is that you get to meet people with real names, real jobs and real attitudes. I was grouped with Chuck, Jerry and Lenny. At the tee on the 2nd hole, Lenny's cell phone rings and he has to go unlock his A/C Truck for his boss in the parking lot. So Jerry grabs the essentials out of the cart... two beers and Lenny takes off. Of course, Jerry forgot to grab a club, so he had to use Chuck's. I couldn't make this up if I tried. So he tee's off and we are walking up the fairway, me and my gear, Chuck and his, and Jerry and two cups of beer. The Munis are on the first green.

Its like World War III in here! Listen to the crowd, its payback!
So, we finish up the 5th hole and walk over to the 6th tee and wait. Now the tee box is to the right of the 5th green and for a lefty, that sometimes spells trouble. The Munis are putting on the 5th green. I step up, take my mighty swing and... send a rocket dead left! It shoots about 5 feet over the Munis' heads. I didn't really see it, but I knew it didn't go straight, and judging by the reaction of my foursome, I knew it wasn't good and I yelled "FORE!" as quickly as I could. The smaller Muni (Muni 2) screams over, "Hey, how about yelling fore! You talk about us..." to which my foursome retorts, "He yelled it! We heard him." And Muni 2 starts walking over and I say, "Hey, it was a mishit. It happens. I yelled fore." and then the expletives start coming, and I just gave him a gesture that I was shrugging him off. He yells, "You're a fine one to tell on us after what you just did." And I yelled, "At least I warned you, and that was a weak mishit, not like the one you hit. Try learning some etiquette sometime you F..." You get the point, I think, don't ya?

It doesn't end there. Muni 2 walks back to the green and Jerry steps up, then duffs his shot straight forward, but ricochets off the tee box marker and line-drives across the green in between the two guys (I couldn't make this up if I tried!). Now both guys are really pissed off and they start swearing and walking over, but now my whole foursome is involved and they have already been briefed, so they all start walking towards them too, which makes these two losers back off.

It doesn't even end there. I for one, decided to take my maximum score for the hole, Lenny and Jerry drove over and picked up my ball and I dropped it in the fairway out of harm's way (then shanked one into the woods). Lenny steps up, while Chuck and I stand a little forward but behind his back (the "safe" side), and he yanks one so heavy that it goes behind him and right by my nose (about a foot). Right then and there, it all became a really funny thing for all of us and while the Munis waited on the tee box, we had a really good laugh.

The ref doesn't see it. Its a foreign object!
If somebody asks, "You aren't a cop, are you?" you know its goin to get interesting. On the next hole, Lenny rolls up what I will call a "foreign object" and lights it up. He and Jerry shared it, and then passed it over to Chuck who partook, I tee'd up and hit my best shot of the day to three feet of the pin on this hole (I never made the green before). Later Chuck partook again, and on the way down the next hole he asks me, "Can you help me find my ball? I can barely see right now." The sun hadn't gone down and there was plenty of light, so I gave him a look, and knew that the foreign object was effective. He later tells me that he hadn't done that in 10 years and could barely walk straight, let alone golf, which gave me a chuckle (no pun intended) because he partook twice, and it was ten minutes apart. Much more than he should have.

Final Thoughts
On 7 and 8, I settled down and took a birdie and par. On 9, it was clear that I was the only one who calmed down after the incidents and these guys were talking that they were going to take these two losers apart, all the way into the clubhouse. It was high-high comedy. I shot an 85 after all the hubbub, and to think, there were 5 distinct points during the rounds where I:

• A: Had way too much adrenaline rushing through my body
• B: Hit bad shots because of "A"
• C: Was not thinking about golf
• D: Wanted to leave the course, but thought that it was unwise to break off apart from my group

Until next time,
-Murph